Last night was the first time I have had a memorable dream about you in a very long time. Honestly, I try not to think of you lately, I have had such a rough time with life lately and thinking of you not being here I am afraid will drive me over the edge. My dream started out with me being my usual self and going overboard with throwing a birthday party. I started noticing some of Nicholas’ friends were there (dream was at the Miller home) and wondered why they were coming to Alyssa’s birthday party but honestly that wouldn’t be too unusual. I was trying to hurry and get balloons filled, decorations put out and Mike was on it with the food. I started noticing that everyone was writing Nick and funny sayings about him on the balloons and then I realized it was a party for Nicholas. Everyone was saying that it was great he was coming back home after being gone so long. I went along with it thinking the past 10 years was just a bad dream. Then I really woke up and realized that this was a cruel dream and that it would never be real.

September in Tennessee is blazing hot and for me super depressing because outside is where I would stay if I could. This summer has been brutal and now it is weighing on my physical and mental health. Last night I texted 988, I really felt I was ready to exit. Keeping me from ever going through it is my love for Jesus and how I would never go against him and keep me from seeing Nicholas in heaven. Some days though, the emptiness is unbearable. I have a roommate but there is not much of a connection between Mike and I. I was able to talk with someone who made me feel like mental illness is something that should be swept under the rug, he listened. An hour of unloading my heaviness to a stranger felt so good. I am convinced I really need help for an extended amount of time until I am completely healed. I always was concerned with the animals and Mike having to take care of them, but I am falling in a deep hole and I really want to get out. I need direction, I need help with my medications, I need help getting medical care, I need help to be human again. Mike is overwhelmed with work and is seems annoyed with my mental state and physical deterioration.