I must keep writing, I have not been socializing and I feel I am withering away.  Nothing seems normal anymore.  This past month I have felt like a walking zombie.  I am here going through the motions but I want to stay hidden as much as possible.  I gave in and went to the Mayo clinic this month.  I am thankful and blessed to have a husband who cares so much, he made it possible.  I went through lots of tests and possibilities of new diagnoses but did not get to finish, had to come home Alyssa was very sick with the Flu.  I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, possible Fibromyalgia and low Creatinine levels which shows my muscles have atrophied due to my MG.  Back to Minnesota in January to finish.  Once again on the airplane coming home, the quick thought I would see Nicholas on my return home, he has been so busy.

This week Nicholas’ dog SheiSa was very sick with a stomach illness.  Seeing her sick and the possibility of losing her brought a flood of thoughts…this is all we have left to be close to Nicholas, we can’t lose her.  All is better, antibiotics and a special diet.

This is it, the week Nicholas’ headstone is placed.  It is more beautiful than I could imagine.  But it is going to be there, where my son is, where he is lying in the ground all alone and cold.  From other grieving Mothers the same is said.  If cremation was chosen, they regret having a place to visit but those who chose burial have the Mother instinct that they are alone and cold.  Nothing seems right when you no longer have your child to talk to, hold, love and kiss.

Sometimes I am thankful for being so sick, I don’t dwell on the loss of Nicholas, whenever I feel better it seems all I think about.  I need to work 100000x to be a better Mother to Alyssa…she is hurting too, she feels she is losing me too.