I am starting this blog to pour out my feelings from losing Nicholas.  

It has been 33 weeks and 6 days since I last heard your voice.  Each and every day I wake up with you on my mind.  Between the grieving and health issues I am having, these days just don’t seem real.  I wish I would have started this sooner but will try and go back in posts to reflect some of the feelings I have had since you have been gone.  Writing this to you makes you feel a little closer.  I know you are with me every day but writing down how you are near me and the signs I see will help on the days I feel helpless and depressed.

 I woke up this morning again thinking how excited I was for Spring Break in a few weeks and that I could finally see you and spend quality time doing our favorite things.  Reality set in and all I could do is sit on the edge of the bed and cry.  Because you were such a positive and influential child, I always remember you would not want me to curl up and give up on life, Dad and Alyssa have time with me.  But I do, I want to just have many days to just cry and look at the pictures, memories and videos of you.  I am trying to keep myself extremely busy so I won’t fall into a depression again.

The Tuff Shed people are here putting up a small barn for the new little goats.  I so wish you were here.  I remember you always wanted to fill your weekends at the petting zoos petting goats, I think you would have loved this.  It is hard to believe you never knew Hazel, Alyssa’s little goat and the pride she has showing and taking care of her.  So many things have happened in these 7 months that I can’t believe you never knew.  Well I have always dreamed of having a little farm and it is all coming to fruition, thanks to your loving Dad.  I am hoping to have just a few goats and get milk, make soap and cheese!  Newsome has decided to not allow students to have their own animals on campus so all of the Randall students have to find new homes for their goats, rabbits and chickens.  I saw this a perfect time to help out and let the girls keep their goats here.  We can spend more time with the parents and the girls can have more time together.  I am really excited for this new adventure.  The babies are 6 and 4 weeks on Saturday and the bottle feeding is going well.  Sometimes a pain but I love having responsibilities like that.  I am changing the way I look at things, literally.  I use to spend days shopping to decorate the house, decorate and clean and be worn out.  Not anymore, I am doing what I really love, spending time with the animals.  Decorations are just things and will eventually get thrown away.  I will decorate with your precious goodies you had in your home.

 I think you are happy knowing Dad and I are becoming stronger after losing you.  We value each and every moment we have together and don’t ever like being apart.  Alyssa has also become a young woman and remembering the values you taught her.  She misses you so much each day.  I see tears well up in her eyes when she sees a brother and sister together.  She is having the hardest time with people asking her if she has any siblings.  She said sometimes she says no just so she doesn’t have to go through the pain of explaining.  I hope with this blog I am able to improve my writing skills and give myself an outlet to have something to do each and every day that is productive.