After taking Alyssa to school I had to kill a little time before getting my Rituxan infusion at 10:30 at TGH, I needed to buy Jimmy Buffett tickets and check Dad in for his flight tomorrow.  Both were accomplished and infusion went well in a little less than 5 hours, down 1 hour from last week and no complications.  I am so sick of being sick.  While there I realize I still haven’t gotten my chest Xray or bone scan.  I haven’t made my colonoscopy appointment that I am now almost a year behind needing “urgently” as my gastroentologist said.  I am just tired.  Twice a week Chiropractor for my neck that is too weak and muscles that ache from holding it up.  The 5 days a month for Plasmaphleresis and now infusions.  I miss the days when the complications were how much time could I volunteer in a week and still have time at home.  I gotta keep it up to stay healthy.

I saw your car in the hospital parking lot and again when I checked for kids toys at the consignment shop.  It hurts to see a Red Juke, I keep looking hard to see if it is you and then I realize it is not and all I can see is the crumpled wreckage of what was once the car you loved so much.

When I got home, thanks to Jamie picking up Alyssa and feeding her dinner, I was able to rest a little.  I pulled up my email and there it was, the drawing of your tombstone, it was real, it is a place marker for someone who has died, who will never come back…this was for you.  I lost my mind.  I screamed, I cried at the top of my lungs and I pleaded with God that you have to come back…you can’t be gone.  Why, why do parents have to do this?  This beautiful being that we cared for and loved with every ounce of our soul has been taken.  I spent most of the afternoon in your room.  I have not placed all of your things in the right spot, but I am mulling through them slowly.  It is hard not to pick up every piece of your belonging and nourish the smell of you on them and remember what it meant to you.  I found your burgandy jacket you loved your sophmore and junior year in High School.  I could see you in it right then.  I’m still not done with your room, only a few shirts got hung up then I layed on your bed pretending you were there and we were sharing great stories.  I took a nice long bath, poured myself a coke and popped some popcorn and watched a Will Ferrel movie on the big screen.  I cheered up some.  Dad was coming home early so I didn’t want to be a big mess of a “red rimmed” face.